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“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.”
-Some Really Wise Person
(and thank goodness for that!)
A few weeks ago I was deep in grief and begging for Mercy: questioning the Universe and feeling disillusioned with my faith and dreams and my ideals. Since then, a lot has happened,,,and let’s just say, the Universe is still sitting on the naughty step as far as I’m concerned.
My prayers haven’t been answered. My intentions have not manifested in the time frame that I have allotted and I am just sick and tired of suffering. I’m sick and tired of trying to figure out what I am doing that is creating the perpetual cycles in my life that are not serving me or the ones that I love.
I am am clear in my life’s desire to THRIVE and not just survive.
I have prayed. I have meditated. I have energetically created the feelings that I want to live in full time and held them, breathing them, living them. I have vision boarded. I have been generous. I have been grateful. I have looked again and again for the “lesson.” I have changed, I have grown, I have screamed, I have cried, I have released.
My outer world has not caught up with my inner vision and I am feeling a bit demoralized. Not a bit…a lot. The depth of my despair – and not just for myself but for so many who suffer in ways that couldn’t possibly be attributed to something they did or did not do – seems boundless on certain days. There are absolute moments when I genuinely feel I have lost something very, very precious to me; my capacity to hope and dream, to have faith and believe.
Mercy, Universe, I ask you now for Mercy. For me, for you my sweet reader friend, for us all. Please. Mercy already.
AND…while I am on my knees…out of the very corner of my heart something has whispered to me. I think that it bears mentioning. It is very, very small, incredibly fragile and not in any way shape or form a solid in my consciousness/heart/mind/soul.
But it’s something…
Lately, I have heard quite a few really good stories about people being there for other people. Three times in the last couple of weeks have been told stories of people who have gotten flat tires and the really, really awesome people have stopped by the side of the road to help them.
I’ve heard stories of people (for whom money was tight) not being charged for goods or services just because the person who could have charged them decided not to. Out of the kindness of their hearts.
I have watched a whole community stand up and take part in helping to support a mom friend of mine whose husband recently, tragically passed away, She is now the single parent of two boys, the breadwinner of the family and she is surrounded by dozens and dozens of people who have stepped up, ready to love on her and her boys and help her in any way they can.
I have experienced, inside my own self, a need to speak my current truth. The ugly, awful, messy current truth. Out loud. The bubbling of my frustration, anger, bitterness and resentment feels like it needs to be spoken into the air so that it can be released from my body and soul like the pressurized air from a tire.
And like my friends who were rescued on the side of the road, my beautiful husband stepped in and sat with me while I spewed the toxic thoughts and feelings out loud. Toxic thoughts and feelings that concern/effect him.
He did not judge me. He did not get upset and allow himself to collapse into my grief. He sat with me and held my hand and listened to me and agreed with me (even if he didn’t). And when I was all out of air, a sad floppy flat tire, he tucked me in bed and held me until I fell asleep. He was love in action.
And I don’t know how he did it.
It has been years since I have felt the kind of closeness to him that I feel now. In my book, that is a beautiful, unexpected miracle. A silver lining. Maybe I might call it Mercy.
I recognize Mercy in my acupuncturist who has given and given and given to me and my family – whose only goal seems to be helping us get to thriving. I see Mercy in my business partner Allison who has endlessly stood by me as I have struggled and struggled to find my groove. I have felt Mercy in my prayer partners and mentors who listen to me, don’t try and “fix” me and hold space for whatever I need.
As I write this, I am praying that this new internal shifting, the opening, this strong vulnerability may be the Mercy I have been seeking. Perhaps bringing myself past rock bottom, down below where the truth of our hearts lies in waiting for our consciousness to perceive it, I have found the path and that path isn’t etherial. It isn’t fluttery and winged. It isn’t really even all that miraculous.
It is relationship. It is community. It is the revelation/fact that two or more humans can share in grief and resolution, in compassion and empathy and while it doesn’t “solve” the problem it truly lessens the pain. It can also help to move or shift energy. New understandings that never seemed like part of the solution can be revealed. Hope can be acquired. Mercy can be had. Thriving can be glimpsed.
Perhaps as we look skyward or out into nature or as we do our daily spiritual practices, we should also remind ourselves that the divine comes in so many more forms than we silly humans have the wherewith-all to recognize.
Human relationship is an incredible expression of the Universe. One that I may have seriously overlooked in my overzealous yearnings for connection to spirit and internal peace. I want to percolate on this one. I think it’s big and I really want to live with it for a bit. It seems so obvious but yet – there is something way more here that I’m hoping is the first step on the road to my beautiful THRIVING future.
And as always I am so grateful to you. For this divine relationship. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you. I am honored to be a part of your journey.
In the 12th century, Goldstone was created accidentally by Italian monks who were experimenting with alchemy. In trying to turn other base metals into gold, the copper flecked, glittering stone was created. The story of it’s creation is why it is one of the few synthetic stones we carry.
Who among us isn’t working to turn lemons into lemonade, copper into gold, darkness into light? We love this concept as symbology and just had to share it with you. We love the blue goldstone whose sparkle is hard to perceive in photos – but in person it is magnificent! It looks like the most beautiful night sky you’ve ever seen and seems to radiate Mercy.
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